NEAR MISSES AND OTHER CATASTROPHES

When my son was 2 he almost died. Not from a rare illness or a tragic accident, but from the one consistent threat to his life for his first 18 years
…. Me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son and would never do anything to harm him …. Intentionally …. I have always tried to do everything I can for him but as all the parents in the room will agree, you don’t get an instruction manual along with your bundle of joy.

The First Near Miss

I still remember that first morning in the hospital, my son thought 1:50am was the perfect time to say hello. The midwife asks if I want to cut the umbilical cord… hands me a big pair of scissors and holds up my son. Ahhhhh …Thankfully he survived and importantly, is still male…

The nurse then wiped my son down and handed him to me. Apparently, you are supposed to hold them head side upwards… The nurse looks at me, I can see her thinking, didn’t you read the manual.

Walking

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My son was pretty much ready to walk at 8mths. Unfortunately, I had a work trip to the US and had to leave but I desperately wanted to be there for it his 1^st step so came up with a plan. His mother and I sat facing each other within arm’s reach whilst I was holding my son’s favourite toy. As he stood and tried to get his toy, he leaned further out to grab it. Each time he got it I slowly inched further away. Each time he had to lean a little further, then eventually stretching out a foot, and then, a stumble, and…… his first step. Pretty soon he was walking a few steps between us with a huge giggle on his face.

Unfortunately, as I was scrambling for the camera, as an overly proud dad does, his ambition out did his skill and <BANG> he had a fall. We had a fireplace that had a raised marble tile area under it. My son fell and hit the bridge of his nose on the corner. BLOOD, oh the blood went everywhere. It was the first, but unfortunately not the last time my son would forget to keep the blood on the inside. That one left a decent scar on the bridge of his nose. Sitting in the emergency room, the doctor finishes gluing my sons nose back together, he looks at me and without saying a word I feel him ask, didn’t you read the manual.

The boomerang

Boomerangs are not toys! Despite being sold in souvenir and toy shops across Australia as fun Australiana gifts, they are actually deadly hunting weapons. Aboriginals used these deadly weapons to bring down large kangaroos, wallabies, rabbits, I used it to bring down my 6-year-old son.

Someone had kindly given my son this deadly weapon as a present and he really wanted to learn how to use it. Thinking what could possibly go wrong, I took him to the park. Being the all-knowing dad, I demonstrate, with some success mind you, how to throw it correctly. I then let my son have a go. Unfortunately, it was a little more like a stick then a boomerang when he threw it. So, I demonstrated again. “Son, stand well behind”, you know safety and all… I threw the boomerang. Perfect, it went up, arced around then came straight back towards me … ummm him!

My son saw it, turned and started running, in a straight line, looking over his shoulder as the boomerang tracked him down. Then my son stumbled and fell. As he hit the ground, he lifted his head and looked backwards just as the boomerang hit its target…. I mean my son’s head. He went down, I raced to him and lifted his head, blood was pouring over his face. Panic was rising. I had to get him to the hospital. “Can you stand up?” “I feel like I’m going to throw up” … Oh great, concussion too… (Father of the Year). I try to stop the bleeding with some tissues as I carry him to the car.

The emergency room was crowded but as I walked in with a small boy in my arms with blood flowing over his face (AGAIN), I get ushered straight through. It turned out to be a deep cut just above the hairline but nothing too serious, just ANOTHER scar. As the doctor was gluing my son’s head back together, he looks up at me and I can see it in his eyes, “Didn’t you read the manual”

18

I could tell you about the time I almost drowned him, or that time with the tree saw and the emergency department again, or the time we almost burnt the house down trying to cook some peas…. But

My son, and I, both made it to his 18^th birthday. Some days I don’t know how, but together we made the best of what we had, without a manual, just a couple of scars, a little less blood, a lot more grey hair.

He is now a 6 foot 2, 100Kg and an awesome young man. He is at uni studying to be a police officer and I couldn’t be more proud (…). I waited a long time for my manual to arrive in the mail and on the day he turned 18, I finally realised there is no manual. Somehow, I managed to navigate this rocky road called parenthood, through trial and error, through patience and love. Yes, occasionally, there was blood and a few scars but even those became our best memories and of course, a humorous toastmaster speech.